Die Hard 5 Spoilers

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October 8, 2012:
New Die Hard 5 Trailer released, with minimal results, so we will just make up spoiler info with no real basis in reality.

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Secrets and Surprises in Die Hard 5.

According to a rumor from a madman who should in no way be taken seriously, the plot of Die Hard 5, a Good Day To Die Hard involves a plot by Vladimir Putin to turn the embalmed corpse of Vladimir Lenin into a robotic killing machine with a sentient mind. The killin machine quickly figures out that the communist paradise that it fought for in 1917 has been replaced by a corrup oligarchy, and then is further enraged when if learns that the movie "The Saint" was a horrible misrepresentatio of all things Muscovite, so it goes on a rampage across Red Sqare. Meanwhile, John McClaine, who is in Moscow to return an overdue library book that his ex-wife Holly borrowed from the Kremlin Book Depository, becomes enmeshed in the action when he steps into a Men's Room and is immediately cornered by the KGB who recognize him from the time he blew up a comet but damaged the Mir space station in the process and tried to get out of hit by faking his own death but really came back in the escape pod under his drilling machine. At this point, Barry Manilow intervenes when the KGB tries to kill McClane with Kenny G's saxophone, which is the third deadliest weapon of mass destruction on the planet. For no reason whatsoever, the King of Cartoons shows a highly out of date cartoon, giving McClane and Manilow a chance to escape to an old Cuban cafe built under the Moscow Subway. After that, the plot gets a little strange, and you really ought to know better than to read things on the Internet rather than just going to the movie and enjoying yourself when it comes out.

Notes and Special Information

Special note: This one time, my friend Shane brought a bottle of Dr. Pepper into a screening of Die Hard 2, and opened it during one of the scenes where there were machine guns going off in the theater, and even though it was one of those Dolby Surround theaters where everything was loud enough to make you go deaf, an usher appeared immediately behind him and demanded the bottle, which was funny, because I still had my bottle which he didn't see, so my friend had to give up his Dr. Pepper and the usher should have gotten a prize for being able to hear the hiss of an opening bottle amid gunshots.